


Public Displays of Anything

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Character Study, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2011-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-26 08:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>He realized that he simply had no idea how to behave in public in an environment that knew and accepted that he was in a romantic relationship with Rodney.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Public Displays of Anything

**Author's Note:**

> With mentions of past John/Nancy and John/OMC.

John had remained relatively calm when he asked his brother whether he could bring someone along when he visited. Of course, that had been vague enough that he wouldn't be sure that Dave got what he was saying.

Then he'd braced himself for the moment he introduced Rodney. He hadn't managed to actually say anything other than, "This is Rodney McKay." He hadn't even considered using the word boyfriend or partner or anything like that. Instead he'd simply put his hand on Rodney's back, which was hopefully intimate enough for Dave to read between the lines.

The awkwardness that had followed had been disrupted by Dave's wife, Charlie, who had come in with their daughters to greet John and Rodney.

Eventually, Charlie had asked, "So we're preparing _one_ guest room for the two of you?"

There'd been silence all around, even from Susan, who didn't normally seem prone to that. Then John had only nodded and released a breath that he'd been holding for what felt like twenty-five years.

Dave's reaction was a quick smile. John felt elated for a moment to finally have been welcomed at home together with the man he was in a relationship with.

He didn't think he'd ever forget the many times he'd been met with open or implied hostility for his decisions, for being who he was.

John knew that Dave's acceptance didn't suddenly make them best friends. But they were family, and some part of John had always wanted that to mean something other than a painful history. This was certainly a good step in the right direction.

As they spent the day together, however, John couldn't help feeling a certain amount of tension.

He didn't know why. Dave and his family had given no sign at all that they were uncomfortable with the fact that Rodney was his partner. John had thought that after taking this step, he'd be able to stop watching his words or what he did. And yet he found it hard to completely relax.

The reason occurred to him when they sat in the living room that evening, the kids already in bed, and Charlie told them a story about her work, and Dave smiled fondly at her and stroked her hand.

John froze in his seat, his hand glued to his side, and he realized that he simply had no idea how to behave in public in an environment that knew and accepted that he was in a romantic relationship with Rodney.

They weren't out as a couple on Atlantis because of fraternization rules. He was openly affectionate with Rodney when they were in private, and in public he knew that he was allowed to display a certain amount of fondness as long as it never went beyond the boundaries of friendship.

He had always had guidelines on how to behave, which he suddenly lacked for the first time in over twenty years. And he couldn't compare the situation now to the one when he'd first had a boyfriend in college, because so much of what he'd done back then had been motivated by a general feeling of, "Fuck you, Dad!"

He'd never brought Derek or Paul home. The only reference he had was Nancy, but try as he might he couldn't compare it to having Rodney here. She'd known his family before they became romantically involved. And every display of affection towards Nancy had been met with the proud approval of his father, which made John feel bitter in retrospect.

When he and Rodney went to bed that night, in a guest room with a king size bed, Rodney asked carefully, "Everything all right? You seem a bit..." He waved one hand around.

"I...I'm fine," John said. He was, by and large.

"Your brother seemed okay with us," Rodney said, though John could read the question between the lines.

"Yeah, he is. I think they all like you," John said, adding with a smirk, "for some reason."

"I guess trying not to piss of your family on the first day paid off then," Rodney said.

John smiled. "Apparently."

"So what is it?" Rodney asked.

John's smile faded. "It's...stupid, really," he said, sighing.

"I'll refrain from making any of the obvious puns about that statement," Rodney said.

"And I appreciate it," John said, with a quick smile. "I just...I don't know how to act around you in front of them," he finally admitted.

"O-kay," Rodney said. "Why? I mean, why does there have to be a specific way? Should _I_ act in a specific way?"

"No, no, you're doing great," John immediately re-assured him.

"I honestly don't understand what the issue is," Rodney said. "Do you think your brother will get weird when you stand too close to me?"

"No," John said. "And if he does he should get used to it."

"Exactly. We haven't even done anything 'coupley'," Rodney pointed out.

"I know," John said, dropping his gaze.

"Do you... _want_ to?" Rodney asked carefully.

John opened his mouth, but couldn't bring anything out.

Rodney looked at him for a moment, then asked more quietly. "Do you _not_ want to but think you _should_ want to?"

John shook his head. "I want to not even have to think about this," he admitted.

"Then don't," Rodney said, stepping closer to him.

John sighed. If only it were that simple.

Rodney came close enough for them to kiss. John leaned forward and met Rodney's lips with his. He closed his eyes, enjoying this moment of simply being with Rodney.

Kissing Rodney always felt like coming home. It made him feel calm and safe and loved.

When they parted, John took a deep breath, feeling better. Rodney was right. He didn't have to think about this. They were on leave, together, with John's family, giving him a chance to finally reconnect with them.

~~

Of course, it wasn't as simple as that the next day.

John listened to Susan happily chatting away over breakfast, but in the back of his mind he couldn't help thinking about the fact that he couldn't even seem to grasp what he wanted, let alone the reasons and implications of that.

For years he hadn't been openly affectionate with anyone. And he'd be okay with that if he were sure that this was simply his nature rather than years of hiding who he was.

He'd never been embarrassed when his mother kissed him in public. He didn't know if it was because he'd been too young or she'd been too sick for him to care about it.

When he'd made out with Derek in public, letting him fondle him in front of everyone who cared to look, he'd done it to prove that he could more than anything.

He had been more private with Paul, the thought of joining the Air Force in the back of his mind and the eventual bitter end of that relationship.

He'd always been aware that being with Nancy meant that he wouldn't be judged, that people looked at them, seeing a happy couple—a _normal_ couple.

And now, with Rodney, John had to realize that he had no reference for what _he_ wanted rather than what he thought others would see when they looked at him.

He felt a sudden, sharp longing for his mother. When he'd been with her, others hadn't mattered. And nobody would ever think his love for her could be anything but beautiful and good and right.

They cleared the table together after breakfast, and when Rodney walked past him, he stroked John's arm with his hand in a quick gesture.

John captured his hand before he could walk on.

Rodney stopped and looked at him.

Without thinking about it anymore, John tugged on Rodney's hand, bringing him closer, moving forward at the same time to capture Rodney's mouth in a casual kiss.

For a second, John felt aware that the others were around them, maybe looking at them. But then it was just Rodney and him, and he deepened the kiss for a moment before pulling back with a quick smile at Rodney and turning to pick up his glass and coffee cup.

As he walked past Rodney, John could see him grin in return. Then he saw Susan's big eyes, Claire's complete disinterest, Charlie's smirk, and his brother's smile of acknowledgment and understanding.

In that moment John knew that it was simpler than he had thought. He didn't need to show them—or anyone else for that matter—anything. There was no need for a public display of anything.

He simply needed to allow them to see who he was.


End file.
